Letting Go

I have never been one who has been good at picking my battles. Every fight was worth it to me, even if it cost me my peace. I would argue the little things, the big things, things that don't matter in the long run, leaving little energy for the things that do. A gentle reminder I have been receiving the last several years is "let it go". I'm not talking Frozen (though you're welcome for that song being stuck in your head now). I'm talking really letting it go.

Being a type A personality and a slight control freak (Mr C's opinion is invalid here), letting go is NOT my forte. Trust is not something that comes easily. I've walked through life for many, many years expecting to be let down, because that's just what happens. People let you down. So the thought of relinquishing control (even any semblance of control) is extraordinarily difficult. So imagine God, a seemingly invisible being, asking me to let Him take care of things. Hahaha, um, yeah right, sorry God... I'm fairly certain I literally spoke out loud to Him and said, I can do it myself.

Never before have I been so wrong and so prideful. About 2 years ago, I was riddled with anxiety. My nail biting habits had returned, I cried at the drop of a hat, I got angry at the drop of a hat. Everyone was on eggshells around me. When close friends brought that to my attention, I lashed out. Letting go terrified me. For years and years, I had to control my environment to create a safe place for myself and my brother. I was very perceptive and knew what to do/not do, and I made sure my brother followed in suit. Hopefully he will look back one day and realize I did that out of love, but also out of fear. It took a while for me to realize that I didn't have to control that stuff anymore. Living in anxiety is living in fear. And when you allow fear to run your life, you have this feeling of faux control. You're not in control. Living in fear is living in lies. To combat the lies, you must believe the truth. And the truth is that you are loved, you are cared for, you are worthy, you are precious (pretty much as precious as the Ring was to Gollum... little LOTR reference for you). When I pretend that I'm in control, I am generally reacting out of fear. Because that desire for control stems from fear.

Think about it. Think of all the times recently you have been upset. Let's say, you got a flat tire on the way to work. So you lose it. You scream and shout and flail your arms like a 3 year old who was just told no. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? Anger usually stems from fear. The only way to fight fear is with faith. And faith means letting go. Letting go means putting one foot in front of the other and just continuing on.

Let me let you in on a little secret... I was afraid when I quit my job. So afraid. I can't even count on my ten fingers the reasons I was afraid. But courage does not mean never being afraid, it means action in the midst of fear. You may not think quitting a job to be a stay at home mom is brave, but it's one of the bravest things I've ever done, second only to becoming a bonus mom and biological mom. Choosing to walk in faith and trust that God will carry you is so tough. Even those with the strongest relationships with God will still ask Him, are you sure Lord? Yet they will ask while also stepping out and following instructions.

So this long and rambling post was simply supposed to say, let go. Live in peace. Trust that the God who created you will continue to carry you. To prosper you. Trust that you will survive the hard times. And your struggle will have meaning.