Medic Mama - Miscarriage

Disclaimer: I talk about my miscarriage. It has always been part of my grieving process to talk about things, even the hard things. If this will be too much to read or bring up painful memories, please don't read further.

Mr C and I had been married for about 3 months when I became pregnant for the first time. We were so excited! For Christmas, we told J he was going to be a big brother and he was even more excited! I found out super early on that I was preggo, so we still had about a month before our first ultrasound. But the planning and dreaming had already begun.

I started looking for baby items on sale: pack and play, stroller, carseat... I had to stop myself from buying too many things because we didn't know the gender yet.

Despite the excitement, I spent a lot of the early days of the pregnancy very anxious. I would worry about anything and everything. And then the day finally came! I was 8 weeks along and it was time for my first doctors appointment. The appointment I was waiting for: to hear a heartbeat. The baby was measuring 6 weeks and the heartbeat was 120. The doctor wanted to see us again in 2 or 3 weeks. I remember feeling this uneasy feeling. Mr C told me not to worry, that if something was wrong we wouldn't be waiting 3 weeks for another appointment. 

I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off though. We went to a local private ultrasound location 2 weeks after the doctors appointment in hopes of getting reassurance. The baby measured 7 weeks and they couldn't get a good clear picture to get the heart rate. The tech said because I was still so early it can be hard to get a clear view abdominally. I cried in the ultrasound room because I wasn't hopeful.

At the doctors appointment, I remember it was on a Wednesday, we had another ultrasound and the doctor confirmed what I had been worried about. They couldn't find a heartbeat this time. She scheduled an appointment for the next week to confirm. 

I tried to go to work on Thursday but ended up needing to leave early. I had told people at work a few weeks before that I was pregnant and now to have to tell them that my baby had died, well, it was too much. Mr C left work a few days early as well and I called the doctor who got us in on Friday instead of the next week. The baby had indeed passed away. It had already begun to break down and was measuring smaller than it had previously. The doctor and I agreed that we wanted my body to miscarry naturally rather than use medicine or a D&C. Medically, I understood that these things happen. But I emotionally couldn't comprehend it at that moment.

A few days after that last ultrasound, my body began the process of miscarrying. Cramping began and was mild at first. It soon became more intense. Strangely enough, the pain was cathartic. It hurt almost as much as my heart did. It felt good to feel the hurt. Mr C took off work to stay home with me. We went to the zoo and an art museum. We ate ice cream out of the carton on the couch while I bled into this giant pad. He held my hand while we sat I  silence. He listened when I cried and while I mourned. Spending that time together helped us to heal together. We allowed ourselves to feel the hurt and feel the loss. And we made it out of it.

The bleeding lasted 10 days, though the first day was the worst. Overall the physical pain felt like the worst period I've ever had. Emotionally, I did better than I expected. I would cry off and on. But I didn't shy away from it. I didn't hide it. I wasn't ashamed. And you know what? The pain didn't kill me. I survived it.

The whole point of telling my story is to reach out and bring light to something that happens ALL THE TIME but no one talks about.

Sadness stuck around for quite a bit. Several of my friends were pregnant, including one I had shared a due date with. I had to consciously choose not to have a pity party for myself. One thing that had changed was my level of compassion for my patients going through this. I can't tell you how many calls for miscarriages I've been on (like, legally I can't tell you... HIPPA and all that jazz... sorry... bad joke). But where I would once react very matter of fact, I now understood that they weren't looking for physical support so much as emotional support. I'm a better medic for having gone through this. Hell, I'm a better person.

About 3 months after the miscarriage, I was home from work due to hand surgery and I was walking the dog during a bit of stormy weather. And I was angry. I was angry at God for dangling the dream of motherhood in front of me and taking it away. I was angry that I had to be the one to go through this, though I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. I was almost home when I looked up and saw this glorious rainbow. In that moment, a soft voice said "I keep my promises." 2 days later I found out I was pregnant again. God had bigger plans for me than I knew. And He still does. So C is my reminder that God keeps his promises. A whole new meaning to rainbow baby!